Forgiveness 2
Most mornings I wake up with the resolve to be a better person.
I tell myself that today, I will not think about the hurts of yesterday, that I will not allow the crazy drivers make me swear, that I will not react to the negativity thrown my way. The days I remember to pray (which, unfortunately are not as many as they should be!) I earnestly ask God for strength, patience, joy, peace to make it through that day and to use me as His instrument. I also ask, less earnestly for the spirit of forgiveness.
As the day progresses, I do spot checks on my conscience - was I rude to the insufferable customer who thinks that "customer" means "I have to be an asshole to anyone who is providing me a service I am or am not paying for"? No, I was not - I even managed to be nice. Check. Did I go on and on about someone who offended me the day before and has apologized but I am finding it hard to forgive? No.....but I am still miffed! Okay Feyi, work on that. Did someone need my help and I refused to help, not because I could not but because I just did not want to? No. Phew!! Check.....and so it goes on throughout the day.
At the end of the day, I review all that has gone on and I realize that I always come up short on the...yes...FORGIVENESS! And though it never surprises me, it does worry me. WHY is forgiveness so hard, at least for me?
I have tried to analyze it objectively - mind you, it is not that I am unable to forgive; I just find it difficult in certain circumstances. I find it difficult to forgive deliberate and calculated instances of hurtfulness, rudeness and abuse which are followed by a seemingly heartfelt apology. I say "seemingly" because it always rings with insincerity, in my opinion. I can forgive children, who because of their age, still lack the ability to restrain themselves. But adults? It is difficult because there is, in that behaviour and attitude, a certain arrogance & condescension which make people believe that they have a right to treat others in a certain way. It is that I find hard to forgive and struggle to understand.
But, again, as I begin my day today, I have resolved to be a better person and I hope that today will be a day when I will not struggle with forgiveness. Then again, I am also resolved to avoid the people who are so inclined!
Good luck to me.
I tell myself that today, I will not think about the hurts of yesterday, that I will not allow the crazy drivers make me swear, that I will not react to the negativity thrown my way. The days I remember to pray (which, unfortunately are not as many as they should be!) I earnestly ask God for strength, patience, joy, peace to make it through that day and to use me as His instrument. I also ask, less earnestly for the spirit of forgiveness.
As the day progresses, I do spot checks on my conscience - was I rude to the insufferable customer who thinks that "customer" means "I have to be an asshole to anyone who is providing me a service I am or am not paying for"? No, I was not - I even managed to be nice. Check. Did I go on and on about someone who offended me the day before and has apologized but I am finding it hard to forgive? No.....but I am still miffed! Okay Feyi, work on that. Did someone need my help and I refused to help, not because I could not but because I just did not want to? No. Phew!! Check.....and so it goes on throughout the day.
At the end of the day, I review all that has gone on and I realize that I always come up short on the...yes...FORGIVENESS! And though it never surprises me, it does worry me. WHY is forgiveness so hard, at least for me?
I have tried to analyze it objectively - mind you, it is not that I am unable to forgive; I just find it difficult in certain circumstances. I find it difficult to forgive deliberate and calculated instances of hurtfulness, rudeness and abuse which are followed by a seemingly heartfelt apology. I say "seemingly" because it always rings with insincerity, in my opinion. I can forgive children, who because of their age, still lack the ability to restrain themselves. But adults? It is difficult because there is, in that behaviour and attitude, a certain arrogance & condescension which make people believe that they have a right to treat others in a certain way. It is that I find hard to forgive and struggle to understand.
But, again, as I begin my day today, I have resolved to be a better person and I hope that today will be a day when I will not struggle with forgiveness. Then again, I am also resolved to avoid the people who are so inclined!
Good luck to me.
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