Disappointments.

A friend and I were talking about "disappointment" and drew my attention to the excerpt below where the American First Lady said her husband had never disappointed her in terms of his core values. She's either being honest or she is, as loads of couples do, presenting a postcard picture of her husband. (An aside - did you know that "disappoint" in old English was used to mean "to remove from" as in "the newly appointed minister was disappointed from his post." Hmm, if we could disappoint those who disappoint us...)
And that got me to thinking about how many people can honestly say that about their spouses or their spouses can say that about them.

This is not about the annoyances, irritations and "really?" moments in the normal, balanced and even loving marriages, but about being true to and retaining the basic tenets (positive o!) that one has.

It is true that many people start their adult lives with idealisms and dreams, with utopian expectations; idealisms and dreams are often shattered and the reality is that utopia doesn't exist, which is why it is...erm... utopian, right? And when not much is what you dreamed or believe it to be and temptations come your way, do you let go of the basic things you believe in?

That taking or giving a bribe is wrong: whether it is called an "incentive" or "mobilization;" whether you really need the money; whether other people are doing it, or for whatever other myriad reasons or justifications you come up with. It is wrong and doing it compromises the core value of integrity.

That sleeping with your subordinate or boss, one or both of you married, is wrong, whether you believe nobody will know, whether it feels so good. It is wrong and compromises the core value of integrity. And compromises the vows you have made (if married) and your career - if you are the subordinate, who's going to ever believe you really deserve that promotion, and as the boss, who's ever going to believe you're not partial?

That no longer caring about the less privileged means that the basic kindness you used to have and believed in has been compromised. You have become removed from their plight.

Wanting to keep up with the Jones' - you used to be simple in taste and not greedy.

Wealth gone to your head?

The passion, the zeal you had for something you believed in? Gone.

All those things that made you the person your spouse loved? Gone.

Staying true to oneself is hard - we all know that. Knowing the right thing to do is easy; actually doing the right thing is what is hard. For me, I think that there must be some incentive to remain riveted in your core values, to always, or almost always (we are fallible humans after all is said and done) do what is right. Everyone has different things that serve as that anchor, that beacon shining in the storm always to guide you. Who hurts the most when you compromise who you are? Your spouse? Lover? Sibling? Parent? Friend?

Disappointment is a huge thing. In relationships, it just eats at the very fabric of who you both are. The constant disappointments, the exhibitions of discarding our beliefs for less difficult choices, betrayals huge and minor contribute to the incremental death of affection and trust.

And before we point the finger at the spouse, we need to ask ourselves how we have contributed to the discarding of our partner's core values. What did we do - deliberately or not - to push them in that direction? Have we been the beacon in the storm or are we the siren song luring the unsuspecting to their demise?

Excerpt:
Oprah's interview with the American First Lady:
Extract from the April 2009 issue of O Magazine, Page 9.

Oprah: Gayle once interviewed you for her radio show and was blown away by something you said: that your husband has never disappointed you. Gayle was like, "I can't believe that!" 

Michelle Obama: Barack is a human being with flaws. And I can rattle down all the flaws and tease him about them every day, but those flaws are not fundamental. They don't hit upon things that are intolerable to me. In terms of his core values, he has never disappointed me. He is a very consistent person—which is why I knew unequivocally that he would be a phenomenal president. He is steady. Has he made me mad? Yes. Does he sometimes do things that I don't like? Absolutely. 

Oprah: That's called marriage. 

Michelle Obama: But as a human being, he has never disappointed. And I would hope he could say the same about me. Ask him!

Oprah: I will. First chance I get. Has your love deepened during this whole process? 

Michelle Obama: Absolutely. I don't lose sight of the fact that he's the president, but first and foremost he's my husband, my friend, and the father of my children. That didn't change with his hand on the Lincoln Bible. But it doesn't mean I don't appreciate the gravity of what he's doing. The way I can honor that is by working by his side and adding value to what he's doing in any way that I can. That's my part in this. That's why I'm out there trying to be an aid and a support to his vision and his values. I am supporting the president of the United States.

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Michelle-Obamas-Oprah-Interview-O-Magazine-Cover-with-Obama#ixzz3c39tWA4X