May 28, 2009.
As the title of this blog shows, I wrote this the day after a dear friend passed on. At the time, it was too painful to print. A year and a bit have gone by and, though the void created remains, I can now look at this piece and not be weepy.
I lost a friend and a big sister yesterday. I cannot believe that I will not see her again or hear her voice on the phone, telling me that I'm just a lazy, spoilt girl and that she needs to tell Shola to stop indulging me. I am going to miss her dry sense of humour, her practical nature, her brief texts (she hated them) and her equally brief phone calls. I am so going to miss her.
She'd been through a lot - the challenges of infertility, multiple and enlarged myomas - fibroids; spiritual issues, (she was told that she was an "ogbanje princess", complete with spirit husband and kids. A princess who decided that life in that world was no longer for her and so decided to find her way here.)
For me, her telling me those stories made me wonder at the orthodox religious teachings. Is this life the only existence that we will experience? Do other planes and realms exist that we are aware of subconsciously but consciously refuse to acknowledge or accept because we are afraid that our foundations of faith will be shaken? Are we recycled souls going through various gateways to various realms, existing in those realms but for a time before we move on?
Eastern religions believe in reincarnation in varying forms and degrees. And I have always believed in it too to a certain extent. Maybe because I was exposed to varied beliefs, both Eastern and orthodox, I have always found the views of my church arrogant and narrow. Why would God create a new soul every time a baby is born? What of the babies that do not make it? Do they never get a chance to live?
Religion is a funny thing. It is based on truth, lies/myths, bloodshed and politics and it's mostly about power. There's supposed evidence that Jesus did not die ("Sacrilegious!" we shout!), that Mary Magdalene and he lived the rest of their days in the Orients. Stories in those cultures exist of a man from the middle east who could heal the sick and perform other miracles. Those stories surfaced after Jesus was crucified by the Jews. Fact or Fiction?
Oh, and the Bible has been nicely doctored. The books that make up the Bible were compiled at the behest of Alexander the Great (no Christian or believer, him!) who was tired of the bickering of the early christians. He ordered the Christian leaders to decide and vote on the books that what would make up what would become our Bible. And they came up with the Bible that we know it as today. Any book or gospel that was not in line with what the followers of John (Christ's disciple) felt were representative of their beliefs were declared to be heretic in nature. And those who believed that those, now forbidden, books should, in the fight for the truth and a broader view of Christ's teachings, be included as well, were declared heretics and became what is now known as Gnostics.
I digress.
So, I grieve for her and miss her so. They tell us that the faithful (who are the faithful???) go to their rest in the HOPE of rising again, and that we shall meet on that day (judgment day). What are the guarantees? Is judgment day not a personal experience that occurs on the day you are called to your "rest'?
People would say she died an untimely death. I do not believe that anyone's death is untimely - "untimely" would mean that death is not predestined and that God had no control over it. No, I believe that it is predetermined, and when your card or number comes up, that's it.
Predestination aside, I just feel she did not have to die the way she did. Then again, I guess death comes in whatever form is necessary to get the job done.
I hope she's well and alive in spirit. That her soul has peace, the peace of the compassionate God that Jesus told us about. The God of mercy and love, not the violent God of the old testament whom I cannot reconcile with the God I believe in.
Life is so transient and unpredictable and this very characteristic makes me question a lot of my decisions - why can I not get past old pain? Why do I not spend more time with the ones who give me joy? Why do I spend any time with the ones who do not? Why am I focused on the unimportant and mundane? And why on earth do I not just do it with the one who wants to do it with me and stop beating myself up about the one who does not want to?
Ijeoma would tell me that life is not about what I want, but about making a difference.
I miss her and her encouraging big sister words.
What will her baby girl do without her? She loved her so, yet she left her. Will I be able to ever forget her and my last glimpse of her - eyes sunken, bile coming up out of her stomach through a tube and she unable to talk - complications from a surgery that should have been simple and straight forward. She KNEW she would not leave there alive. I knew it too but denied it to myself.
She's gone, and though I am glad her suffering in this realm is over, I cannot help wishing I could talk to her again, to ask her how she is, and for her to tell me that there is a point to this our current existence and maybe give me a hint as to what the point is!
Bye big Sis. I will always miss you.
I lost a friend and a big sister yesterday. I cannot believe that I will not see her again or hear her voice on the phone, telling me that I'm just a lazy, spoilt girl and that she needs to tell Shola to stop indulging me. I am going to miss her dry sense of humour, her practical nature, her brief texts (she hated them) and her equally brief phone calls. I am so going to miss her.
She'd been through a lot - the challenges of infertility, multiple and enlarged myomas - fibroids; spiritual issues, (she was told that she was an "ogbanje princess", complete with spirit husband and kids. A princess who decided that life in that world was no longer for her and so decided to find her way here.)
For me, her telling me those stories made me wonder at the orthodox religious teachings. Is this life the only existence that we will experience? Do other planes and realms exist that we are aware of subconsciously but consciously refuse to acknowledge or accept because we are afraid that our foundations of faith will be shaken? Are we recycled souls going through various gateways to various realms, existing in those realms but for a time before we move on?
Eastern religions believe in reincarnation in varying forms and degrees. And I have always believed in it too to a certain extent. Maybe because I was exposed to varied beliefs, both Eastern and orthodox, I have always found the views of my church arrogant and narrow. Why would God create a new soul every time a baby is born? What of the babies that do not make it? Do they never get a chance to live?
Religion is a funny thing. It is based on truth, lies/myths, bloodshed and politics and it's mostly about power. There's supposed evidence that Jesus did not die ("Sacrilegious!" we shout!), that Mary Magdalene and he lived the rest of their days in the Orients. Stories in those cultures exist of a man from the middle east who could heal the sick and perform other miracles. Those stories surfaced after Jesus was crucified by the Jews. Fact or Fiction?
Oh, and the Bible has been nicely doctored. The books that make up the Bible were compiled at the behest of Alexander the Great (no Christian or believer, him!) who was tired of the bickering of the early christians. He ordered the Christian leaders to decide and vote on the books that what would make up what would become our Bible. And they came up with the Bible that we know it as today. Any book or gospel that was not in line with what the followers of John (Christ's disciple) felt were representative of their beliefs were declared to be heretic in nature. And those who believed that those, now forbidden, books should, in the fight for the truth and a broader view of Christ's teachings, be included as well, were declared heretics and became what is now known as Gnostics.
I digress.
So, I grieve for her and miss her so. They tell us that the faithful (who are the faithful???) go to their rest in the HOPE of rising again, and that we shall meet on that day (judgment day). What are the guarantees? Is judgment day not a personal experience that occurs on the day you are called to your "rest'?
People would say she died an untimely death. I do not believe that anyone's death is untimely - "untimely" would mean that death is not predestined and that God had no control over it. No, I believe that it is predetermined, and when your card or number comes up, that's it.
Predestination aside, I just feel she did not have to die the way she did. Then again, I guess death comes in whatever form is necessary to get the job done.
I hope she's well and alive in spirit. That her soul has peace, the peace of the compassionate God that Jesus told us about. The God of mercy and love, not the violent God of the old testament whom I cannot reconcile with the God I believe in.
Life is so transient and unpredictable and this very characteristic makes me question a lot of my decisions - why can I not get past old pain? Why do I not spend more time with the ones who give me joy? Why do I spend any time with the ones who do not? Why am I focused on the unimportant and mundane? And why on earth do I not just do it with the one who wants to do it with me and stop beating myself up about the one who does not want to?
Ijeoma would tell me that life is not about what I want, but about making a difference.
I miss her and her encouraging big sister words.
What will her baby girl do without her? She loved her so, yet she left her. Will I be able to ever forget her and my last glimpse of her - eyes sunken, bile coming up out of her stomach through a tube and she unable to talk - complications from a surgery that should have been simple and straight forward. She KNEW she would not leave there alive. I knew it too but denied it to myself.
She's gone, and though I am glad her suffering in this realm is over, I cannot help wishing I could talk to her again, to ask her how she is, and for her to tell me that there is a point to this our current existence and maybe give me a hint as to what the point is!
Bye big Sis. I will always miss you.
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